October 22, 2013
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...

Redefining A Brazilian

Canada’s ever-cunning tourism commission has embarked on a money making scheme teaching Brazilians to ski, Pumpkins. “Canada brings the excitement of winter sports to Latin America”. They figure it’s an untapped market. (I’ll go out on a limb and…

October 11, 2013
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...

It's A Royal Flush

The cruising world as we know it is coming to an end, Pumpkins. The high seas have been pirated by hoards of poker players. Did you know that on-line Texas Hold-em is the world’s number one activity? Numero uno. With…

October 04, 2013
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...

Stop The Presses People!

Did you know that Canadians go on vacation to leave their cares behind? Breaking news in some circles. A top line research project from CheapFlights reveals the startling discovery that 60% of us take a break when we need a…

September 27, 2013
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...

How To Get It Up When You Can't Get It Up

It’s no secret Travelzest stock has been as lifeless as a sodden diaper, Pumpkins. Nigel and his buds have been trying to breathe life into it for the past couple of years – but at a certain point, you have…

September 24, 2013
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...

Bad Bama

There was a time you couldn’t swear on TV. Couldn’t show breasts (god knows why) and you certainly can’t show a harmless little erection. But to say right out loud on prime time tv that travel agents don’t exist –…

September 18, 2013
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...

Give The Old Girl Some Privacy

That poor Concordia has seen her share of humiliation, eh pumpkins. I ran aground in my bathtub once. Too many suds will do that. (Thankfully my implants kept me afloat.) The fire department had to use weighted ballasts and…

September 13, 2013
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...

How's It Hanging?

Turns out this is an extremely important question, Pumpkins. Scientists have studied the pendulous matter and discovered that low hanging fruit on a man demonstrates a defect. (They could have saved a whole lot of trouble by dropping their pants…

September 10, 2013
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...

Stop Twerking Me Around

Nothing gets the Twittosphere to twattling like a bit of bad twerking, dahrlings. Miley Cyrus would have fared far better going Gangnam style where weird jerky movements are expected. Her father should ground her for the most embarrassing non-dance spectacle…

September 05, 2013
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...

Are We Being Outfoxed By A Raccoon?

I am loving this Porter guy. He must have balls the size of Newark. One learns so much from these masters of rhetoric, dahrlings. The latest scheme is something I have never seen before. It looks like a kind…

August 28, 2013
Excuse me, dahrlings, but...

Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Although I’ve never been the sharpest weapon in the arsenal, Pumpkins, but I’d like to think I’m somewhat jiggy to world affairs. So let me try and get this straight – if you bomb, shoot or maim innocent civilians,…